Ura Omote Lovers
by Chuugoku-chan
Summary: The touches, the brushes, the kisses-all materialistic, all animalistic. No strings attached, no love attached. There was never any 'love' in this...even after it produced a child. Fem!KandaXLavi. Rated M for lemon and language.


**AN: I don't own –Man. If I did, I wouldn't be here. :D**

**Inspired by the song 'Ura-Omote Lovers' by Hatsune Miku. Very catchy and nice- you should listen to it! **

**Also inspired by this Lavi RPer who knows who they are. Also, despite requests from friends to 'lighten up' and be 'less negative', I refuse.**

**^_^ It's what I specialize in~**

* * *

The sound of skin on skin and heavy breathing filled the room. The air, heavy with perspiration and lust, hung around Kanda like a fog that refused to lift.

She remained quiet as Lavi gave one final thrust inside her before reaching his climax and collapsing onto her.

"Get off me, baka usagi," she muttered, and weakly shoved Lavi off. He, in turn, chuckled weakly, and rolled to the other side of the bed.

"Love ya, Yuu-chan~" he said, before turning his back to her.

Kanda closed her eyes, and crossed her arms on her chest. Does this 'love' really exist? Being an exorcist, she knew too well that love, along with security and trust, were things that were luxuries too unstable to afford.

But she was so sure that when they were first officially 'together', there had been an inkling of this thing called 'love'. A small hiss trailed from her lips as she forced these thoughts from her mind. She has to believe that there is 'love'.

She has to.

A soft exhale of breath later, she was up and pulling her binding bandages and clothing on. Sleep, too, was a luxury she could not afford at the moment.

"Where ya goin', Yuu-chan?" Lavi drawled, still half-asleep.

"None of your business, baka usagi. And don't call me that," she replied curtly, and closed the door silently. Light footsteps trailed their way from the doorway, and ended up in the kitchen.

Jerry glanced knowingly at Kanda's appearance, and ducked behind the counter. A minute later, a steaming cup of murky something was placed in front of Kanda. "Be careful, dear," he said, genuine worry lining his face.

Kanda just scoffed and took the cup. A little bitterness was nothing compared to what she went through in her life.

Mugwort and parsley. Two things that were never meant to mix, turning to brown goo inside an earthenware cup. And with her mouth set in a determined, thin line, Kanda took the cup and downed it in one gulp.

How many bastards of Lavi's has she killed with this drink over the years? She chose not to think about it as she went to rinse her mouth of the flavor. But it'll never be rinsed away.

The strong flavor of parsley mixed together with the bitter, stinging flavor of mugwort will forever remain on her tongue, no matter how much she rinses or scrubs. She no longer frets over the deed, though.

What's this little act compared to the daily killing of exorcists?

Those soft footsteps echoed on the cold stone tile as they led to the bathrooms. Kanda entered the one marked 'For Science Department Only'. It was the only one without one of those annoying gender markers on them.

The door swung open with a soft groan, like it didn't wish to move. Kanda paid no heed, and slammed it closed after entering.

She immediately began to rinse her mouth out with whatever she could find: with soap, with the toilet cleaner, with rubbing alcohol, anything.

It happens every time, more like a ritual now than a necessity. Although she was sure the Order wouldn't be pleased with her getting pregnant, it wouldn't necessarily banish her…or him.

_Him. Him exactly. How would he react?_

The tap is screwed shut, and Kanda wipes the back of her hand against her mouth. The bitterness lingers.

The footsteps aren't so light now.

* * *

Kanda's eyes snapped open to another gray dawn, and she glanced over to her side. As usual, Lavi wasn't there. Somewhere, in the middle of the night, every time, he leaves.

Probably to another such whore—_who cares?_

Of course Kanda is not jealous. Why should she be? She lifts herself from her bed, and barely slides her clothes on before someone is knocking at the door.

Kanda doesn't bother answering it, so the person lets herself in.

Lenalee comes in with that cursed cup of mugwort and parsley with a worried frown. Kanda's fingertips reach out for the cup, but just as they touch the warm earthenware, she lurches to her feet and runs into her restroom. The door closes with a slam.

The cup lies on the ground, broken, spilled, but Lenalee isn't picking it up.

The sound of retching is muffled by Lenalee's sobs of fear. She knows.

How long until everyone else knows? How long until _Lavi_ knows? Did Lavi _already_ know?

Soft, light footsteps go to the wooden door of the bathroom. It soon opens, with Kanda looking pale and drained, the back of her hand against her mouth.

Her self-proclaimed 'best friend' could only gaze at her with wide eyes. "How long?" she asked, voice raspy and quiet.

Kanda's look told her all she needed to know.

Lavi knew. Bookman knew. Jerry knew.

The fucking mugwort didn't work.

The door slammed in Lenalee's face, and the retching sound continued.

But the most shocking thing—_or perhaps not_—was the fact that Lavi knew. And he.

Didn't.

Care.

* * *

For the entire day, Kanda sat in her training room, trying to meditate. That didn't work very well, though, since her mind kept wandering.

She had known for three months already, but by some miracle, the growth of the child within her was not visible. Sure, she had those mood swings, but she wasn't any better normally, so no one noticed.

Should she kill this child? Should this innocent creature go to hell, like its would-be siblings, just for its parents' sins?

Yes. It should.

No one in this world is innocent.

Kanda grits her teeth, and tries to let her mind focus elsewhere. However, before she could rein herself in, she thinks of Lavi.

_Ah, yes, that motherfucking bastard._

A deranged laugh scratches at her throat, so Kanda tips her head back and lets it well up. It is more like a choked sob.

_That motherfucking bastard._

Those three words summed him up perfectly. Kanda laughs at herself, mocks herself, for believing in this thing called 'love'. It never existed. It never will exist.

Lavi never loved her.

She never loved Lavi (_pssh, yeah right)._

Another laugh-sob wells up from her throat, and she punches the wall. Hard.

Repeatedly.

Her knuckles bleed, the wall stained red.

She can't feel a thing.

* * *

"Yuu-chan," a husky voice whispered in her ear, and a pair of arms hugged around her middle. Kanda minutely winces, but keeps calm.

"What do you want, baka usagi." Yes, it's working. Her voice is a perfect monotone; he'll never guess.

"I want Yuu," that stupid, husky voice whispers, making her tremble.

_Dammit, no! Go away!_

But her body is no longer listening to her mind. She turns her head, nearly instinctively, and kisses that motherfucking bastard on the lips.

"Get lost, baka…" she says, just as breathily as he, which earned a chuckle from the redhead.

"I'm not sure that what you want, hmm, Yuu-chan?"

He starts kissing a trail down from her ear, down her neck, lower, lower.

_No! I don't fucking want this! Get away from me!_

But her body no longer takes orders from her mind. It gets what it wants, whether she likes it or not.

And it wants—_desires _—Lavi.

Hands moving across her, across him, across her still-flat belly. No strings attached. No emotions whatsoever. No love.

Purely materialistic, purely animalistic.

The sliding of leather, the unzipping of zippers, the ripping of linen bandages.

_No! No, no, no! Go away, leave me alone!_

Breathing quickening, blood rushing, eardrums pounding. Rough, callused—but gentle—hands on her breasts, the small of her back, her waist, caressing her, forcing her to snap all threads with reason and conscious thought.

The little voice pleading in her head, screaming in her head, slowly dies away.

She reciprocates the affection—_not affection, dammit!—_showered onto her by her lover—_only fuckbuddy, and you know that—_with burning fervor. Her hands are all over him too, rippling over his muscles faintly like silk.

And she knows she is wet. It's biological; she can only control her body _that much_. Lavi's control isn't that great either; she could feel his hardness poking at her, then in her, then _oh god._

That familiar semi-sting, the feeling of Lavi stretching her, filling her, causes her to throw her head back. A long, drawn-out moan is elicited, and rewarded with a harsh thrust.

_Would this kill the baby? I hope so._

A child that even weeks on end of contraceptives couldn't kill. What was this thing?!

The fog of lust and perspiration settles over Kanda again, and she can't—didn't want to—push off.

The sound of skin on skin and heavy breathing filled the room.

* * *

The gray light hit Kanda's eyes, and she blearily blinked them a few times. As she thought—Lavi was gone, again.

Just like every time.

A tear welled up from the corner of her eye, but she blamed that on sleepiness. Then, like every morning, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and dressed.

Like a ritual, every morning, she would drink a cup of mugwort and parsley, hoping that it'd work—_but it never does._

Protected by Innocence?

_Perhaps._

Does she actually wish to get rid of the child?

_I…I…_

Then why aren't you going to Komui and asking for something that'll actually _work_?

…_who the hell are you? Get out of my head._

This happened every morning, and Kanda was so familiar with it that she could recite it word for word at any given time, asleep, drugged, or—

_Don't even go there._

And Lenalee would come in every morning, worried, with a new frown line every day. She would take the cup, stare at Kanda in horror and bewilderment, and leave without a word.

And this happens every day. Every single fucking day.

And every night, the fog of lust and perspiration settles over the room.

* * *

"Congratulations, Ms. Kanda! It's a boy!" the doctor said, or rather, chirped.

Much too bright. Much too happy.

The little bundle of warmth was brought to her, but no warmth came from her.

Despite how fucked up Kanda had been—_don't even go there—_the baby was healthy, without a blemish to show for all the shit he's been through. She had run away in the middle of the night, away from the Order, away from her friends, away from_ Lavi._

And what she had gotten was this bundle of déjà vu.

He was a spitting image of his father…and Kanda hated him for it.

So she limply held onto him, dazed by pain, dazed by sadness, and dazed with all these thoughts swarming and taking up her mental space.

"Ms. Kanda, you have a visitor," a monotonous voice said from outside the door. Kanda paid no heed.

The door opened, and the crunch of boots on linoleum startled her out of her daze. A shock of red hair poked through as well.

"Yuu-chan…" Lavi started, but choked and cleared his throat. Before he could recover though, Kanda was glaring daggers at him.

"What the fuck do you want, baka usagi?! You've knocked me up, you've screwed me a million times over, and you've made my life hell. What else _could_ you want?!" 9 months of resentment poured out, uninhibited.

_It must be the damn hormones._

Shock played itself out on Lavi's face—_he's acting; I know he is_—but melted into concern.

"Yuu-chan…I've come to take back what's mine."

Kanda thrust his son out to him unceremoniously with a grimace.

"Take…it. I don't want it."

Real shock and a dash of anger jolted Lavi's pacific expression—_fake, dammit!_—so his one visible eye was widened beyond belief.

"Yuu-chan, he's not an _it_! He's _our son_!"

Kanda's eyes widened fractionally, but narrowed again.

"And? Why the fuck should I care?! Take him and leave me alone!" She tried to shove the crying child into Lavi's arms, but instead, Lavi grabbed onto her arms and pulled her close to him.

_Stop! This…hurts…_

Unnoticed by Kanda, a stray tear leaked from under her lashes, and Lavi, being the damn flirt he was, leaned down and kissed it.

"Yuu-chan, I'm here to take you back. I…know that I must've seemed really distanced from you…but…I'm here now. I…resigned from Panda-jiji."

A moment of stiff, awkward silence, only cut through with the baby's shrill cries, fell upon the room.

It was almost as suffocating as that fog of—_don't even go there!_

"And what makes you believe that I'd take you back?! You probably cheated on me with one of those stupid bitches that you 'accidentally' talk about. How can I even trust what you say anymore?!" Kanda yanked herself away from Lavi's grasp and sprung off the bed.

The pain of childbirth was nothing compared to what she usually went through.

_Gobackgobackgobackgobackgo—SHUT THE FUCK UP!_

Kanda finished yanking her leather uniform over her now-flat body, and prepared to leap out the window when a hand grabbed her wrist. She tried to yank away, but fatigue simply wouldn't let her.

"I…I'm not going to apologize…because I know for sure you won't accept it, and just a plain 'sorry' won't make up for everything that's happened. Just…give me a chance, okay? For our son."

Kanda swiveled her head until it faced the repentant—_it's an act!—_ex-Bookman.

_Our…son…that…thing is mine too…_

To her horror, the side that's denying Lavi was slowly dying and fading away. She tried to grab on it, provoke it, but it continued to ebb away.

_Damn you, baka usagi, for being such a good actor…_

Before Kanda could make another reply, though, she was folded into Lavi's arms again. There was real _warmth—you're just feverish!_—in his touch.

Her anger had turned into helplessness. Before she realized, she was hugging the stupid rabbit. Hard.

_No! Don't do that—you're not supposed to do that!_

But her body refused to acknowledge that little voice chirping away in her mind. Its buzzing became annoying, so her ears strangled it, choked it, until it died.

It gets what it wants, whether she likes it or not.

Tears, this time in rivers, sprang from her eyes as Kanda hugged her alleged 'boyfriend' tightly.

"Do you have any idea what the fuck you're asking of me?! I can't just forgive you like that, dammit! Besides, you'll leave any moment ago!" she screamed, pounding her fists against Lavi.

Lavi winced as the fists beat at him, but took his own hands and enveloped them around hers and bringing them up to his lips.

"You didn't hear a single thing I said, did you," he said, chuckling weakly. "I told you—I resigned from being Panda-jiji's apprentice. He left today. I'm not going to leave you. Ever. I promise you."

The tears wouldn't stop.

"B-baka usagi, don't make promises you can't keep," Kanda said, trying to sound angry, but failing miserably because of the sobs that racked her body.

_It's the stupid hormones talking._

One of Lavi's arms looped around the child, which lay neglected on the bed, while the other gripped Kanda's waist. She didn't struggle to get out of them, despite a million parts of her mind screaming _no_.

_It's the stupid hormones and this exhaustion…_

Her arms didn't resist when her child—_her child_—was placed into them. Instead, they nestled and rocked, providing comfort to the boy in a slippery world.

"Let's go home, Yuu-chan," came a fuzzy voice from somewhere, and Kanda faintly felt herself being lifted up and the rush of wind in her hair.

She hasn't forgiven him. She probably never will. But at that moment, all was well, and sleep, security, comfort, and trust were no longer too unstable to afford, if only for a little while.

* * *

**AN:**

**I tried to make the ending non-tragic so this friend of mine will stop nagging me, but I think it came out rather…sappy. And yes, Fem!Kanda is still a PMS-ing semi-bitch. **

**Mugwort is a contraceptive, and parsley oil is too. Together, they are often prescribed as herbal contraceptives. Within the first 6 weeks, it's around 60% percent effective, but after the first six weeks, it drops to 20%. It also might cause uterine rupture and all that good stuff.**

**So the kid survived because of Innocence protecting it? :D **

**First lemon, too…so review please???**

**~Chuugoku-chan~**


End file.
